6/22/10

Because one day we may be old and institutionalized
and unable to enjoy the simple pleasure of sitting in our backyard on a summer's night,
We should grab this moment now
Breathe it deep into ourselves.
Allow ourselves to be filled completely to the brim
with the sensations of warm dark breezes on our skin
grass under our feet.
The sounds of leaves rustling overhead & the distant howl of a traveling train,
We must appreciate the far away flashes of lightening,
the change in temperature as a storm moves in.
We must inhale the earthy outside odors deep deep into ourselves - the mother's pungent soil, mixed with   tree bark and sweet wild roses.
Because one day we may be old and institutionalized
& only sit by trees on TV screens
while cold artificial air blows unceasingly on the backs of our achy necks
& being outside on a magical summer's night is a distant memory and a deep desire.......
We must grab this moment now.
Breathe it deep deep into the deepest depths of ourselves
& be filled completely to the brim and over the brim.....

Fooled ya .... kind of

Anyone who has been following this probably thinks that I've fallen off the sugar wagon and landed in a pile of breads, pasta, donuts and beer & have been wallowing in said pile to my piggish heart's content.

Well, not true.... not really anyway. These are some reasons I have not been posting on this topic:

1. Everything has been very incredibly busy lately and there has just not been time to post.
2. By posting about my self-imposed nutritional program I was imposing the idea of "lack" upon myself. "I can't have this. I can't have that. waa waa waa." Truth is I can eat whatever I want. I have the ability to choose foods that hum or foods that yum. & that means that there is very little "lack" in my life. Anyone who can choose & afford to eat healthy foods, is economically blessed no matter what is going on in other aspects of her existence.
3. I was becoming one of those people who is fixated on only one aspect of her life..... kind of like an elderly person who can only talk about bowel movements, medications, or what the doctor said. Since I am working to be a healthy, active, well-rounded senior citizen (if I must be old, let me be young at heart and mind..... & no, I don't mean afflicted with Alzheimer's), my constant obsessing was defeating the purpose.
4. There just isn't too much to say. There are days when I don't do so well. I eat whatever fits into my schedule and suffer the consequences - icky taste in the mouth, fatigue, bloat, crankiness, foggy thoughts,  etc. But for the most part, I am eating well. I am fitting into my clothes easier.  My energy level is higher and my thoughts a bit clearer. & I am beginning to feel somewhat "clean" inside. & that is what it is all about.

Here we go again....again

Yes, day 4 did not go so well.

There is a time limit for me I think. When I hit the 9 hour mark at work, that's when I start to go a little jonesy. Cravings are especially intense if I have not had a proper break during the day.

 A proper break allows one to completely separate from the demands of the work day. It includes food, rest, socializing, or reading or doing a bit of whatever helps the person feel like a person instead of an automaton. Back in the day, my breaks in  good weather would often consist of unrolling my mat underneath a tree in the green space across the road from my building. There I would practice asana or meditation or simply sit and read. After my so-called promotion, days became too busy to separate from the duties. There is always an eight-ball pointed at my forehead.  And the green space is no longer green but covered with condos. So..... if I eat throughout the day, the experience is more like "shovel & swallow" while I write notes, plan events, return phone calls or .... whatever.

So, around 7:00 last night I broke. The m&m's were calling me. Talking to me I say. & then supper was pizza .... glorious pizza.... and beer.  *sigh*

My cravings are associated with negative emotions, of course. Sometimes my reasoning is that life sucks and there is no reason to be healthy. At least this is what I work through when I am resisting the urge to go through the drive-thru on the way home. Sometimes there is no reasoning at all... just a strong magnetic pull towards unhealthy foods similar to the moon's pull on the ocean's waves. There is no thinking until it's done. Then there is remorse, guilt, shame, that sinking feeling of failure ..... then more bad food. 'Cause Screw it. Damage has already been done.

The psychological reasons for my unhealthy appetite comprise a deep pile of dirty laundry that I am not going to air at this time. And, yeah I could blame my mother, my upbringing, the food companies, & whatever else. But at this point in my life, the blame sits with me. Only me.

So, I begin again.  

Day 4

Day 3 is done. Yes it was a bit difficult but not too bad.

On to day 4.

Day 3

Made it through yesterday. Yesterday was a little harder than the day before.

The 3 1/2 hours of work felt like 8 for some reason, & my cravings were more intense. But that day is behind me and a new one has begun.  I have to keep reminding myself that this is a lifestyle change, not a band aid diet.



Cooking is not really my forte. I do not mind the act of cooking, but tend to stick to basics or follow a recipe without any deviation what so ever. However the other night I was kind of creative in the kitchen. And the dish came out pretty good.

In search of non-meat protein sources (I tend to be a "carbotarian" as opposed to a healthy vegetarian), I wanted to do something with rice and beans. And I ended up with a nice black eyed pea and rice dish. I credit most of its tastiness to the smoked tempeh strips I used. But I did get a little adventurous with the spices. (for me anyway).

So, onward and onward. Day 3 - here we go.

the May rain

The May rain made our front yard look like a dandelion farm or a baby meadow.

I thought it was beautiful & was sad to see it mowed.

day 2

So, I made it through day 1.

I was only at work for about 5 hours and the stress level was low - meaning that i could focus on what i needed to do as opposed to trying to accomplish 3 or 4 other jobs.

I seem to get the most cravings when I am the most stressed which is normal. If i have to do my job and the job of my assistant (just d/t staffing), I seem to get overwhelmed with thinking about deadlines and how to fit everything into 8 hours and how i would not have taken a promotion if I knew it was going to be like this and yadayadayaday....... I usually end up working through lunch and staying late. By 5 o'clock I feel beaten, used and abused and am hitting up the vending machine for my "just rewards".  Just thinking about it brings that icky feeling in the chest, the empty feeling in the gut and the feeling of something in the throat that I just can't swallow.

Today I will only be there for about 3 hours. Overtime is a big no-no.
 No overtime, but no time to accomplish all that needs to be done either. In an attempt to stay employed, I have just done 2 hours of work on my home computer. Maybe I will submit this time for payment, maybe I will just have to eat it. We will see.

http://media.gamerevolution.com/images/misc/Image/peanuts-aargh-baseball.jpg

Not that I am ungrateful. I am very grateful for employment in the challenging job market. 

I am merely trying to get a handle on what triggers my craving for comfort foods. And job stress is a big trigger. As I type all of this, the sensations in my body have intensified. 

So, anyway, day 2 is off and running had a nice breakfast consisting of fruit and plain yogurt. 

There is time for me to enjoy the day before I have to meet my responsibilities. So, I shall. 

_____________

P.s. I don't know why the font changed nor can I figure how to change it back to the nice font of the first paragraphs. If anyone has any insight on this, let me know? Please? 

here we go again

I went to my wonderful chiropractor, Dr. Kevin Jordan yesterday. Started seeing Doctor Jordan a bit over a year ago. He also practices  Total Body Modification & I think he works on some kind of intuitive level too, but I am not going to tarnish the man's reputation among the muggles by stating this as fact.

During my first visit with Dr. J., he conducted a series of muscle tests designed to inform about the well being of my body's workings. He found that my liver is weak and my sugars were out of control. No big surprise there. My mother died of liver failure and although I was not really worried about developing diabetes at that time, my lifestyle was leading to that result.

So, at Dr. Jordan's suggestion I began a sugar control program. For 3 weeks I strictly followed the program. No products with refined sugar in them, only sprouted wheat bread, all the fruits & veggies I want and protein protein protein. Then I had a "pig out" meal consisting of eggplant parm., pasta, beer & cake. A check in showed that my body was repairing itself thanks to the change in nutrition. I felt so good on the program that I stayed with it ...... for about 3 months anyway.

Flash forward - a visit to the good doctor yesterday showed that my sugars are once again extremely out of whack. So, here we go again.

Yesterday I did great. Fruit, veggies, protein .... no sodas, no chocolate, no problem. But yesterday I was off from work. So, the stress level was greatly reduced. Today ..... we will see. Send me some love and encouragement if you are reading this.

Many of you are probably scoffing at me right now. Thinking "TBM? hmpff". Look, all I know is that it's a crazy feeling when my muscles are being tested and I am holding for it's worth and the doc can drop my leg with a fingertip of pressure. That's all I know. & all I know is how much better I felt after certain foods were eliminated and switched up. So - scoff all you want. But get out of my way.

Better health, here I come.