7.27.11(11.18.12)

7/27/11

&

11/18/12

I feel the need to create.

To give purpose to my hands,  head,  heart .. to my soul & the ancestors of my soul whose songs, poems & stories have become drowned out by ticking clocks, car engines,  & bad sitcom banter

Whose inspiration have been buried in deep empty pockets by material expectations

& I ….. I just feel that I am too heavy.

Bonded to the earth. & not  as a  fierce, primal passionate earth mother, soil sister dancing down the bones kind of way.

More like the roly-poly girl of my past (present) trying to be rhythmic & graceful of but unable to find lightness in the sole of her feet.

There is no lightness in the sole of my soul.

I miss giving birth to an idea, story, poetry, even a doodle drawing.

Simply Putting pen to paper

Words, phrases, ideas flowing from somewhere within

Sometimes laboriously & painfully pushing out the perfect word

Or gang of words to express exactly …. Exactly  “IT”

& getting lost – mind, heart & soul completely obsessed,

Dancing cheek to cheek

Heart to heart with my muse.

I miss my muse.

I miss her  murmurs & mutterings that softly tickled my insides then grew into

 playful whispers, sweet promises gentle caresses until there was nothing but my muse to me.

& with pure  abandonment of responsibilities, fear of criticism, I surrendered.

She and I would sit curled together

sometimes on a dirty floor in a corner of the kitchen,

or in a cold break room amid  conversations about the best price for pork loin and canned pears.

Sometimes in a parking lot in my car. The windows fogging up with heat of writing without abashment, without worry of being late for something,  of being something that I’m not for someone. 

Just me & my muse – rocking to the primal drumbeat of creativity – allowing her song to erupt, to spill forth until the paper was filled and was emptied ….  satisfied.

& maybe what we brought into this plane was good – maybe not. Not all children turn out well, no matter how much effort is put into their development.

But, the dance was beautiful.

I miss my muse. 

copyright 2012 

Jennifer Mason

words of advice from Walt

“This is what you shall do; Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.” 

― Walt Whitman
http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/service

Finding Reason in Delusion and Dementia

Finding Reason in Delusion and Dementia

I am in no way a medical person. I am just a slob who tries to help improve the quality of life for nursing home residents on a daily basis. And the longer I work at this, the more futile it seems. I mean, is quality of life really bingo games & entertainment? Seems that it would be more related to staying clean and dry and having your hair brushed and your teeth clean,  and having choices about what you're going to have for dinner, and having more choices about how you are going to spend your day in a recreational way - not just choosing between bingo at 10 and trivia at 2.

But I digress. The above article has no bearing on my rant. I just found it interesting. I have been working in long term care for many years. And I have seen the changes in our Alz./dementia population as the drugs have changed. & I am not sure if the changes are good or not. Oh, I am sure they are good from a medical stand point. And they make it easier to handle the resident. And some people are so tortured that medicating them is the only viable option. In all fairness, for some people drugs are wonderful things that greatly positively affect quality of life.

But you know, it seems that some of the drugs seem to put the person in a "holding pattern" so to speak. Kind of like part of the mind is blocked off. And the disease does not progress as it normally would. I guess this is a humanitarian attempt at extending quality of life. But.... you know - define quality of life. To me it's not losing everyone I  love and losing everything I've worked for and being relegated to half of a room in a cold neutral toned institution. But that's just me. If this were me I think I would want my mind to be free to wander in a great delusional state.

Back in the day, people "window shopped" in the hallways. They chatted with faceless voices. They sang songs in praise of salt and ice cream. They wheeled down the hall barking orders at everyone - giving raises or firing people. One "young" lady went out drinking with the staff every night and would  regale us with party stories. They were in their own realities and we had to reach them where they were.
It was challenging & fun. Everyday was like walking into "imagination land."

I am not saying that everyone was happy and pleasant all the time. No. There were quite a few times when I was slapped or my hair was pulled or I was cursed at. But for the most part, my job was  enjoyable and challenging filled with conversational jigsaw puzzles. Learning how to ask the right questions, give the proper answers that offered my people solace and peace of mind and (hopefully) helped them feel more content with their surroundings.

Of course, many things were different back then. There were more people on staff, more time to work effectively and to do extra things. There was more of an emphasis placed on creating a home like environment. Now most facilities are really only interested in the slap dash quick cash of rehab.
Often the long termers get lost in the dust. Sad.

How to be alone

Love this little video. It is perfectly o.k. to be with yourself and be comfortable being with yourself.

picnik in february

So, I recently found out my favorite photo editing site will be closing in April. I have not had much time to play with it lately & should probably get busy.

It's a really cool site for an extreme amateur photographer who knows absolutely nothing about developing and editing. Basically, I just kind of press buttons until something I like pops up.

The cool thing is that Picnik is offering its premium membership for free up until April. So, if you like to take pictures and have time on your hands to play creatively, check it out. www.picnik.com

Here are some of my picniked photos:

Taking a picture of Bella & I is hard to do by myself. But editing and adding silly designs makes me feel better about it. :)

Picnik's frosty frame helps a mediocre pic look ...... well the frame is nice

Me as a tree goddess lol

was pretty happy with this picture before. Just used the vibrance feature to bring out the color and burned (or dodged?) some snowy spots away

space angel dog

used the vibrance, circle splash and grain effect

My husband took this great shot. I just framed it & played with the colors.

Played with the colors and added graphics. meh.

This one I love! Dodged and burned and used different filter thingies to get this cool woodland pic.

Doodlin'

So, my workplace has recently gone to  electronic documentation. This is more efficient, less time consuming ...... NOT! I am more backed up with paper work than I have ever been.

Handwriting all of my assessments and progress notes was a big pain in the butt - I'll admit that. My tendonitis flare-ups have been not nearly as bad or as frequent since the new system - so there is the positive.


However... with the old system, I was mobile. I had a neat little notebook with every form I needed tucked away in its own little pocket. & there was a pocket for forms completed & to be filed. & there was a pocket for forms in progress. & there was a special pocket for work that was due. And - much of this work - I could do anywhere at any time. If I needed to write the narrative after an intake interview - I could do that while waiting for morning meeting to end. Quarterly notes? No problem. I could write those up in another meeting or during a volunteer led activity.  Something  happen with someone that should be notated in his/her chart? Stiiiicky Note!! I could stop & write one in the hallway - slap it into the proper place in a heartbeat. Done! Up to date! Plenty of time to focus on the important stuff....... the people.

But alas, no more. Now everything is computerized. My computer is in my office. I mean.... there are  a couple of "Computer on Wheels" here & there throughout the building. But it takes an awfully long time to log in and get started on those - much longer than opening a notebook and pulling out the proper form. And.... I really do not think that it would be acceptable to hide behind a C.O.W in morning meetings (After all these meetings are only "15 minutes" out of the day. ...... Not.) or other situations where I could stealthily get my work done in the good ol' neo-luddite days of pen & paper.

So... now what? Stuck in meetings with nothing to do. ARGH.

"Duh.... you could take an interest in what's going on around you."

Of course, snarky voice in my head, I hear what is going on around me. Much.... most of what is said does not really pertain to my workday or my responsibilities. & quite a bit of it is simply personal asides or whispered conversations & stifled giggles.

So, I sit... & sit ... &....... Doodle!!!! Yay.  Yes, I used to doodle often & quite prolifically back in the day when my life felt as if things were going in a creative and spiritual direction. Often my morning time or evening time was spent just doodling or journaling or doodling & journaling. & then colored markers came into play and transformed my squiggles into colorful art that any mother would be proud to hang on her fridge:)-

So, they say that people who doodle during meetings retain ... like 29% more information than people who don't. That's what they say. I don't really remember if I remember more or not. I do know that I usually leave feeling more calm and less postal &/or suicidal than when I am just sitting.  It is easier to step into the chaotic beat of the day & rise above.  & doodling is really just enjoyable to me.

So, because I am a weirdo, I've started saving my doodles. The pages that fit I staple into my journal and color from time to time. The small ones I sometimes cut out and put in an envelope. Maybe one day they will become some kind of collage or something. & the big-guns I sometimes take a picture of.

Why? Dunno. 'Cuz  I has a smart phone & it can do that?

At any rate  - this one I dropped into Piknik, a pretty cool photo editing site that unfortunately is closing in April. So, check out that site now if you are interested.

 & here it is:

Yes. It looks like a box of Crayolas had the flu. But, I feel much better. 

And to all moms out there - yes you are welcome to hang this on your fridge. 

And you're welcome.