Tuesday, November 15, 2011

from my journal: random thoughts about deer in a somewhat cohesive manner

In the area where I live there are deer. Scads of deer - as i am sure there are in many other places.

So, the deer used to hang out in these nice expanses of wooded areas until developers blew up the trees. The deer used to hang out in vast acreages of field until developers dug up the earth & tall grasses. So, now the creatures are relegated to a 270 acre metro park about 5 minutes from my house. 270 acres may sound like a lot, but if one is part of a herd of white tailed deer..... all of that becomes equivalent to a family of 8 living in a New York studio apt. w/ a shared bathroom in the hallway. There are so many deer in this park that my husband & I have fondly nicknamed it "Crazy Deer Park". We don't go there very often any more.

Once my dog & I were walking at Crazy Deer & decided to take an unpaved trail (deer trail) into the woods. What we stepped into I can only describe as a deer encampment.  Small groups of resting deer dotted this small patch of woodland. They huddled together in groups of 3 or 4. Some stood tall & still. Some rested on their sides. All were watchful. The scene brought to mind hobo camps during the depression.  I imagined the animals gathered together under the night sky warming their hooves by a fire burning in a metal drum barrel discussing issues like where to find the sweetest jewel weed and how to cross the road safely.

I am also reminded of the "prawns" in the movie District 9 when I think of these deer. We have made these animals into "white-tailed rats", "hoofed varmints," as i have heard them called. We have allowed their stomping grounds to be blown up, dug up, built upon. Then we bitch because they eat out tulip bulbs.  Some people want to hunt them. Some people want to help them. Everyone seems to comment on "how many deer there are".  But I don't hear too many people speaking out against turning their homeland into tacky condominiums.

Some people find them to be a real joy. These people take great pleasure in leaving food along the trails of Crazy Deer for them. & I have seen these wanna be  Grizzly Adams types standing with outstretched arms coaxing one of these shy creatures to approach and eat out an open hand; as if all of life is simply a Disney movie. Craziness.

Although, sometimes it feels like a Disney movie walking through Crazy Deer in the wintertime. The park attract birders who frequently put down food on benches under trees with low hanging branches. Then they wait until the birds come. Walking towards a bench that has been abandoned by a hopeful birder can cause quite a flutter of finch wings, scampering of squirrel feet &, yes, often a slow shuffle of deer hooves.

As mentioned earlier, we do not walk at Crazy Deer too often any more. For one, the deer  stir up many feelings - sadness, awe, kinship and a lot of apprehension. It's one thing to stroll along the trails with a little white puff ball of a dog, or a big black mass of fur of a dog, but I have a medium sized, short haired, muscular, deer colored dog who finds great pleasure in rolling in deer droppings and scat.
Bella dear
She causes much curiosity and confusion among the hoofed ones. So, they often stop and stare - stretching the neck, squinting(I have been told that deer have rather poor eyesight), and sometimes creeping forward to check her out. Thank goodness my girl has floppy ears and a long toboggan curl tail or I would surely have to fend off a buck looking for love or a mama deer looking for her lost fawn. And mama deer are nothing to mess with. On more than one occasion we have experienced the insane anxiety of a doe protecting her fawn.

Once, Bella & I were walking on the path @ Crazy Deer. A doe sprang from the bushes and stomped her front hooves at us. I screamed. we started running. A few feet up the path she sprang again, this time rearing up on her hind legs. I pulled Bella behind me & began backing away all the while  jumping up & down, hollering and waving my arms. Mama deer stamped at the ground. Just then a skinny legged spotted fawn scampered out from behind his mama & ran right past us. Of course, this caused a great deal of excitement for my dog. So, I am yanking Bella around while jumping and hollering @ the doe. I'm hoping that one or two of the people walking around in the parking lot will head my way to check out the commotion - but to no avail. Then the doe stopped stamping and snorting and looked past me then at me. I had gotten Bella behind me again & was ready to do battle with this animal to protect my young. Maybe she figured that out. She glanced at my dog then our eyes met. For a second or two she & I just took each other in. Sounds weird, but it felt as though there was... like an understanding between us. Neither one held any ill will against the other. Bella & I quickly backed away to safety and the mama deer ran across the path after her babe.

On another occasion, my husband, Bella & I were chased by a doe who came to the edge of the path stamping and snorting at us. We started running. Hubby and dog are much faster than I. So I was left in the dust. The doe was running in the woods but alongside of me. It was very bizarre. I remember looking over and seeing her graceful brown body moving so effortlessly and gracefully through the foliage. It was a "wow" moment - and also a scary moment. There is no way that I could outrun a deer. If she had wanted to stomp me I was right there for the picking. Thankfully, at the edge of the wooded area she stopped, ruffled her tail, gave a warning snort then ambled back into the woods. As we circled our way back to the car, we met a couple old timers on the path and warned them. They informed us that the doe was protecting her dead fawn & that the rangers have been trying to get her to leave the area. Then they nonchalantly continued on. So, you can see why we don't frequent that park anymore.

The deer are stressed. & who can blame them. As a child, a deer sighting was an anomaly. You told people about it. It was strange. I remember, after hearing the story of Bambi, asking my mother why we never saw deer in our woods. She said because there were too many people around. There were no people around! We lived on 7 acres of woodland. We couldn't see the neighbors' houses. It was pure country.  Prime deer area if you ask me. But there was so much land for them. They could stay out sight and .... be deer.

Now, we have destroyed their homeland. We are essentially invaders. We've left small areas for them to hang out in, but that's really only because we haven't gotten to those places yet. And these are creatures who wander and travel throughout their day. Their stomping grounds have been destroyed & they are confused. The landscape does not match the world of their collective memories. So, they are trying to adapt. They are learning to be careful when they cross the road for example. But they don't know where to go. They hang out in backyards. They wander down our streets, across parking lots to strip malls. I have seen them in front of Barnes & Noble. WTF? An acquaintance recently told us that a deer came up and hit his dog in the back with her hoof. Luckily the dog wasn't hurt. This dog did not get away so easily.

But they are trying to adapt. The world must be a very frightening and strange place to them.

Near my house there is an airport. Just a small airport. You know. They give flying lessons, plane rides, etc. Affluent people park their planes there - small planes - you know... a place like that. It butts up against a golf course and a housing development. The landing field area is a path that the deer travel. For years the deer freely utilized this area. Recently, a fence - at least 10 feet high - has been erected in an effort to keep out the deer.

In my immediate neighborhood, there are no sidewalks. Because of this & in an effort to be a dynamic pack leader, I often drive Bella somewhere to walk. a few nights ago we parked at the Small airport. As we started our walk, there was a buck standing in a corner of the fence. Just standing and all pressed into the corner and watching. Like I said, deer always look at us as though they know us or something. We continued on, walked for about an hour then went back to the car. When we reached the car I looked to see if the buck was still by the fence. Nope. He was on the other side laying down on his side. He turned his head and looked at me. I walked a little closer and looked for an opening that he could hove gotten through. I did not see one. So, I asked him. "Hey," I called, "How did you get there? Did you jump this fence? Are you all right?" As if to answer, the young buck stood to his feet. He turned his antlered head and studied me for a moment, then slowly walked off into the night.

Fare thee well, deer. Fare thee well.

Friday, June 24, 2011

6/22/10

Because one day we may be old and institutionalized
and unable to enjoy the simple pleasure of sitting in our backyard on a summer's night,
We should grab this moment now
Breathe it deep into ourselves.
Allow ourselves to be filled completely to the brim
with the sensations of warm dark breezes on our skin
grass under our feet.
The sounds of leaves rustling overhead & the distant howl of a traveling train,
We must appreciate the far away flashes of lightening,
the change in temperature as a storm moves in.
We must inhale the earthy outside odors deep deep into ourselves - the mother's pungent soil, mixed with   tree bark and sweet wild roses.
Because one day we may be old and institutionalized
& only sit by trees on TV screens
while cold artificial air blows unceasingly on the backs of our achy necks
& being outside on a magical summer's night is a distant memory and a deep desire.......
We must grab this moment now.
Breathe it deep deep into the deepest depths of ourselves
& be filled completely to the brim and over the brim.....


Saturday, June 11, 2011

Here we go again....again

Yes, day 4 did not go so well.

There is a time limit for me I think. When I hit the 9 hour mark at work, that's when I start to go a little jonesy. Cravings are especially intense if I have not had a proper break during the day.

 A proper break allows one to completely separate from the demands of the work day. It includes food, rest, socializing, or reading or doing a bit of whatever helps the person feel like a person instead of an automaton. Back in the day, my breaks in  good weather would often consist of unrolling my mat underneath a tree in the green space across the road from my building. There I would practice asana or meditation or simply sit and read. After my so-called promotion, days became too busy to separate from the duties. There is always an eight-ball pointed at my forehead.  And the green space is no longer green but covered with condos. So..... if I eat throughout the day, the experience is more like "shovel & swallow" while I write notes, plan events, return phone calls or .... whatever.

So, around 7:00 last night I broke. The m&m's were calling me. Talking to me I say. & then supper was pizza .... glorious pizza.... and beer.  *sigh*

My cravings are associated with negative emotions, of course. Sometimes my reasoning is that life sucks and there is no reason to be healthy. At least this is what I work through when I am resisting the urge to go through the drive-thru on the way home. Sometimes there is no reasoning at all... just a strong magnetic pull towards unhealthy foods similar to the moon's pull on the ocean's waves. There is no thinking until it's done. Then there is remorse, guilt, shame, that sinking feeling of failure ..... then more bad food. 'Cause Screw it. Damage has already been done.

The psychological reasons for my unhealthy appetite comprise a deep pile of dirty laundry that I am not going to air at this time. And, yeah I could blame my mother, my upbringing, the food companies, & whatever else. But at this point in my life, the blame sits with me. Only me.

So, I begin again.  

~ Begin

~ Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes  Women Who Run with the Wolves  Photograph credit - Jenn L. MasonGambitta