6/22/10

Because one day we may be old and institutionalized
and unable to enjoy the simple pleasure of sitting in our backyard on a summer's night,
We should grab this moment now
Breathe it deep into ourselves.
Allow ourselves to be filled completely to the brim
with the sensations of warm dark breezes on our skin
grass under our feet.
The sounds of leaves rustling overhead & the distant howl of a traveling train,
We must appreciate the far away flashes of lightening,
the change in temperature as a storm moves in.
We must inhale the earthy outside odors deep deep into ourselves - the mother's pungent soil, mixed with   tree bark and sweet wild roses.
Because one day we may be old and institutionalized
& only sit by trees on TV screens
while cold artificial air blows unceasingly on the backs of our achy necks
& being outside on a magical summer's night is a distant memory and a deep desire.......
We must grab this moment now.
Breathe it deep deep into the deepest depths of ourselves
& be filled completely to the brim and over the brim.....

Here we go again....again

Yes, day 4 did not go so well.

There is a time limit for me I think. When I hit the 9 hour mark at work, that's when I start to go a little jonesy. Cravings are especially intense if I have not had a proper break during the day.

 A proper break allows one to completely separate from the demands of the work day. It includes food, rest, socializing, or reading or doing a bit of whatever helps the person feel like a person instead of an automaton. Back in the day, my breaks in  good weather would often consist of unrolling my mat underneath a tree in the green space across the road from my building. There I would practice asana or meditation or simply sit and read. After my so-called promotion, days became too busy to separate from the duties. There is always an eight-ball pointed at my forehead.  And the green space is no longer green but covered with condos. So..... if I eat throughout the day, the experience is more like "shovel & swallow" while I write notes, plan events, return phone calls or .... whatever.

So, around 7:00 last night I broke. The m&m's were calling me. Talking to me I say. & then supper was pizza .... glorious pizza.... and beer.  *sigh*

My cravings are associated with negative emotions, of course. Sometimes my reasoning is that life sucks and there is no reason to be healthy. At least this is what I work through when I am resisting the urge to go through the drive-thru on the way home. Sometimes there is no reasoning at all... just a strong magnetic pull towards unhealthy foods similar to the moon's pull on the ocean's waves. There is no thinking until it's done. Then there is remorse, guilt, shame, that sinking feeling of failure ..... then more bad food. 'Cause Screw it. Damage has already been done.

The psychological reasons for my unhealthy appetite comprise a deep pile of dirty laundry that I am not going to air at this time. And, yeah I could blame my mother, my upbringing, the food companies, & whatever else. But at this point in my life, the blame sits with me. Only me.

So, I begin again.